Delving

FUCK!!!!  This is hard!!!

Yes, she said it, as I am a 'she'.

Goddamn!  I am frustrated to hell with this world building/secondary character design/story fleshing.  I envy Jill with her eureka moment, having everything hit her at once.  Perhaps that would be my undoing.  I would barf with nerves at the scope of it all and run away.

It's great, having my little meditations every day.  It's a ride to ask a question, hear an answer, and even draw the responder or subject without my usual level of prefectionist anxiety.  It is just sooo damn pieced out and... and TEASING!  Auugggghgh! X( 

I'm so passionate about this that I want to share it with people, especially my supporters!  but I don't have a complete body to even pen the first chapter with.  (I actually wrote a first chapter, but, you see, certain elements are lacking.  Rushing now would cause massive holes in world mechanics, if not a story dead end.)

I want to post my less *private* pictures of this interesting hybrid of writing and drawing (must engage the entire brain), but then I'd hate for my intellectual property to be lifted.  (Hint, I'm quietly a flaming narcissist.)

But I'll say what's interesting in a vague way.

I ask, they answer.  Am I crazy?  Eh.  I believe my subconscious cooks up a damn fine personality with it's raw materials.  Since I'm always in control of myself I'll say "not crazy".  But I have made a point to list statements I write from my own musings as mine, and not from the people explaining their world.  I'm probably wrong, if only by a little, important detail.

I used to think I had to decide on the world, and then the characters could react in it as I write my lovely planned out plot.  Me, then them. 

Its all them.  -.-  They are all VERY insistent that things work a certain way.  I can't quite wrap my head around it, so they SIGH, and correct me, and it all sounds like unrelated clues.

Why did she call herself a surgeon?  What's up with circles if they aren't used?  Why did I draw two guys talking about anxiety and output when conducting a shady deal, when I wanted to hear about my brand of monster's court intrigue?  Not that they have a court, per say.  Why do I keep drawing bloody burlap bags?  Is it what I THINK it is in there?  For what?  From what?

Bleh.  Bleeeeeeh.

a priest wouldn't talk to me in the house yesterday.  I didn't know who'd be talking, just that I had to go outside.  "Hello!  I'm here to tell you about the gods!"  it resulted in me having some proper tree branch reference for a good mood panel.  But a bug crawling on me also really helped to set the tone. 

Pretty sure I know where his character  real-life inspiration is from.  It was similar to when I have a doozy of a dream.  I wake up,  remember the events & think "this is because I watched that movie yesterday, and that was from me being annoyed about ______."  I don't think recognizing the banal inspirations detracts from my epic action adventure dreams.  Just something to help remember it or mull over a little longer as I get ready for the day.

So a history of how I have come to this place.

Let's see, I had a dream in my tweens, wrote it down, then some corny fantasy events.  Tried fitting the monster in my second novel attempt, that fizzled out on its own, decided to revisit the dream monster with a manga format and story reboot.  Started strong, with lots of pieces and a general plot arc, I got the monster pretty figured out, & learned anime is much harder to draw than my snobby realist self thought!  but two failed renditions of female lead (She was only the straight man for their jokes and a prize to be won) and a very loud "secondary" character taking over later, the project fizzled out, & stayed on the shelf two years plus my first years of college.

During college I occasionally got some wicked ideas: best was while learning about the electromagnetic spectrum and biking home to spotify.   While doing math homework (always the math homework,) I drew a strong and enticing female lead telling me in no uncertain terms that she was pissed and vengeful. Off and on I focused on her, what made her tick.  But any progress immediately met with screaming stagnation. 

Maybe it took being hugely, deeply burned out to come back again.  Hell, even they agree that playing RL is more fun than sitting and drawing our conversations.  But this April, with the wildly ennervating power of Finals Avoidance, I took off with the richness of a decade's life experience and the powerful mental structure of an engineering student to start~

my Harry Potter fan fic chapters 1 and 2.  :D

The writing stimulated by cobwebby creative brain to churn and buzz solutions to my academia problematica:* Juxtaposed.  Rebranded with a new setting, new focus, embrace of darker themes I'd known but shied away from, and a dual lead cast of distinct personalities, I call it [ censored ].  I was ready to run! 

But wait, you have no villains.  Oh, you know they'll exist, but no one specific to write about!  Okay.  So May through June I'm working on a good owning scene and learning about the obvious nemesis and a few Catharsis members.  With work full of angry anberlin music giving an on-edge feel to the vague action scenes in my head.  Unstable.  To the wolves.  Said too much.  Safe here.  Good stuff.

And I'm making myself draw a little every day that I remember to. a pattern develops: I write Her, draw Him. 

July?  Here we go!  I wrote my first chapter!  With the second already planned out.  But something... Feels wrong.  And writing a fight knowing you have to draw it?  ...I have no solid magic system.  8| 

I found their house. (Not a repurposed mill?  Victorian?  Sure, I can draw that!  *fake smile*)  I got the story of her parents, more about Catharsis.  I got some of the demon king.  How he LOOKS.  (Victory!)  Basic basic magic dynamics.

Plot still felt wrong.

Made a fun couple of scenes.  Still wrong.  What is wrong?

Sagely internet blogs: "Listen to your characters.  You've probably painted them in a corner they cannot move from without breaking who they are."

Hm.  I suppose in my chapter rewrites I thought to check if they'd really say such a thing, but I have been bulldozing through on my own for most of this. 

"Okay, guys, talk to me."

And they warned me.  "This is some fucked up shit."

"No, I want to hear."

*They look askance at each other, like, she for real?  Who's going first?*  My heart sinks a little but I don't back out.  This is going to be hard.  I might have to say some shit that makes me unpopular, or seem heartless and flippant, but it won't be true to whatever they are without it.

I am a crazy idiot, waving at cars.

Best decision from a (sincerity? Truth?  Validity?  Consistency?...) standpoint.  Worst from a sanity and measurable progress perspective. 

It feels like that!  The word on the tip of your tongue!  I almost want to give up, or drop it for a while.  But then I realize-if I die, and people are looking through my confusing shit, no one is going to pick up the pieces and outlines and make this.  I have to do it, and I'm possibly running out of time.  keep up the momentum, make the secrets break first.  (Since death is a statistical probability any given day.)  And I feel a strangely powerful drive and responsibility to make this story.  Perhaps it is a cathartic process, or the desire to be remembered.  Maybe on some level I am crazy.  That's fair, whatever.

I have more output, more pictures with this method I think. 

I'm telling my bae about it, real neat from a relationship standpoint.  But only world dynamic stuff, the mains are not so quick to trust or forgive as me (Someone was even telling me lies to tease me for neglecting my author duties.  ):[  But we won't name names.)  And I'm afraid of offending them to silence.  (private conversations with me... Are different from a planned chapter.  We all KNOW that's public.  And I'm only showing, readers can guess their secret heart until the cows come home.)

Speaking of, my adolescent "code names" for the top cast have all been replaced by god fearing human names I can repeat out loud without shame.  Hahaha.

So in the most recent past, I've discovered a disowned theme, and been learning a little about the universe, with it's pantheon and their relationships.  Which is interesting, given my gross dissatisfaction with Christianity and it's effect on my youth, getting sentimental about faith is like walking a field of landmines. (I'll let priest bro do the talking.  Boy, did he go from happy to mad in a hurry when mentioning my monsters.  The surprises are the best part.)  But it is a conflict for everybody, & adding that extra dimension is necessary, to me. 

I suspect my mage-magic system needs chemistry to jog my brain.  I'm not gifted in chemistry... But I must.  :(   I know it got me the basic system for that fizzled out highschool novel.  It's never simple, until it's obvious.

Fun fact: I don't have a single typical mage that I care in the least about.  Is it a symptom or cause of my blind spot?

So right now the name of the game is still world building, and I hate it!  >.<  Though I made a list of my characters, and what part of the world you learn about through their story, and that was fun.

I've been pretty unhappy for the last year, and opening my brain to these impulses and opinions encased in a tidy novel character has been a very happy change for me.  I've become more assertive and confident in both a fun loving and confrontational sort of way, and a little more of the dark chuckle from the corner.  ;)  In short, living the dream.  This dream, described by Angels and Airwaves' song The Adventure:  "I wanna have the same last dream again, the one where I wake up, and I'm alive."  I've always felt deeper emotions and more alive in my dreams than I do when I'm awake.  I yell and fight and brag, get terrified or melt into tears, and have all of these mixed, nuanced feels.  Just bringing that self a little into the day.  And a cool story, too!  I promise.

And I leave you with the image of a tasty spearmint on your tongue.

*I said that just cuz it sounded cool.  #shameless